here's to the first of many...

y'know... i've tried to fight it. i'd given this whole "blogosphere" a handful of tries a few years ago, and i just had never been satisfied with the outcome. i'd always loved the idea of peoples' honesty written out in words. i've never been so much into the "today i did this..." kind of blogs. don't get me wrong, i'm not knocking those blogs. maybe i'd never felt that my daily life was worth updating, i don't know, because i do love reading up on what other people have been doing. i think i was always more interested in venting out my own thoughts in observations.

as i write this, i'm not even sure if i'll tell anyone about this blog. i'm sure i'll show sierra when i get home. i'm sure sharon and jeramy and michelle and steve and the rest of those in need of a blog support group will get around to finding it if with a lucky click, but i can't bring myself to announce it. i guess it makes me nervous to know what people think of the things inside my head. that's always been an insecurity of mine, the lack of self worth. i'm always afraid that people will see me as pretentious or self righteous, so in the end i don't think i share that much.

and i think that's why i kept my blog at a fairly surface level before. this insecurity.

to be fair, 4-5 years ago when i was blogging i was at a COMPLETELY different stage in my life. i was struggling with what i believed and what i wanted to be and i think this resulted in not knowing what it is that i really wanted. i had doubted the faith that was instilled in me since i was a wee lad, and i had thought long and hard on whether or not i needed to keep believing those things that i wasn't sure i believed any longer. it's a GOOD thing that i have a God that is bigger than any struggle i have, or else i may have never snapped out of it. it's a good thing that i have a God that has opened my eyes to a truth that has blown my world apart.

i no longer need the things that would tie me over before. i don't need weed. i don't need to chase girls. i don't need new gear. i don't need status. i don't need any of that any more because i am sufficed in a God that loves me, that came to take the fall for me, and thought of me even before my ancestors were in existence. all i need is the God who takes nothing but joy in doing through me more than i could ever do on my own. everything after that is a bonus. my beautiful wife whom i don't deserve. my UBER supportive family and friends whom i'm constantly in awe of. i don't deserve any of it. but it's because of God that i am joined with these amazing people.

so now things like insecurties and lack of self worth go out the window; because how could i ever say or think that i'm worth nothing when i'm under the care of a God that has given me absolutely everything. i suppose it'd be foolish to do so in light of such a thing.

so i think that this time around the good old blogosphere, i'm more readily equipped to write down the things that matter to me because i think i'm finally beginning to understand what matters.