my first words...

as a person who uses his voice a lot, be it making inappropriate interjections to make people laugh or simply making music, it's the strangest sensation to go and try to speak out only to find that you cannot make a sound if you tried.

i've been sick and without a voice for the past 4 days. at first it was quite awkward, whispering when i should be speaking out, trying to make audible tones only to result in raspy-airy whisps of nothingness, but since then i've gotten used to it. it's strange, i'm not even sure, any more, if i'm intentionally whispering or if i'm trying to speak out. i have to consciously give my voice an audible test because i'm not sure if i've subconsciously given in to the whisper. sometimes i forget that people can't hear me and begin speaking quickly like nothing is wrong. i've resolved to not trying to communicate anything complicated in louder places... OR... typing out my remarks on my iphone notepad. i was with some friends this weekend and one of them noted that talking to me was like talking to a pen pal... that all the talking was one sided. it's almost become normal for me. (and for some reason, deep down i actually believe that my voice is gone forever... weird, i know... it's not what today's post is about though...).

naturally, since my voice has left me, i've begun to think about it's (hopefully) inevitable return. if i'm being honest, at this point it feels like it could take weeks to finally come back, though it only left in a matter of days. i have visions of having to go through strenuous vocal rehabilitation as if it were a montage sequence in an awesomely-bad 80's flick. i've even considered the possibility of sounding completely different than i had before, leaving behind my smooth velvety uber-masculine baritone murmurs for a lower husky rumbly extremely rugged bass. but the topic that has really been on my mind is this: when my voice comes back, what will be my first words?


my. first. words. what is it that i will finally be able to say. what is it that i will finally get to communicate via an audible tone? will it be worth while? will it be funny? will it be life-changing? will it matter to anyone at all?

okay, i understand that this might sound a little dramatic from a guy who's lost his voice. i do realize that i've been whisper-speaking to people the entire time, and that my voice won't just come back all at once, that it will arrive in patches and for a while i'll be speaking in awkwardly-funny half-whispers like a kid going through puberty, i get that. i guess it's really the concept of having my first words all over again that really is intriguing to me, and here's why:

i go through so many days, so many moments, where i'm just spouting off any thought that pops into my head. some people love having me around because of this. some people *ahem*sierra*coughing* probably find it annoying. i say a ton of things that are completely filler and don't matter, but don't we all? don't we sometimes speak trivially to cover up seemingly awkward silences? don't we shower people with perceived affections and compliments to make ourselves look good? don't we go out of our way to criticize people and/or things to sound like we're heavy thinkers? don't we say quizzical things to garner desired attention? i can tell you that i'm certainly guilty of all of these things, and probably a few more.

so here i am, Chatsworth YapTrapperstein himself, forced into the inescapable situation where i have to think about what i want to communicate to people because it has to count, because people certainly don't need an earful of raspy airy nonsense. that's how it should always be, isn't it?

i spend enough time misleading people and being facetious. just yesterday i convinced people in my young adults group (big shouts to AMPLIFY, follow us on facebook as 'we amplify' or twitter.com/we_AMPLIFY) that i was whispering because there were people sleeping upstairs. i'm good at nonsense, i know that i am... but i think that i can take that time and apply it to something more useful.

i think that i could tell my wife that i love her and think she's beautiful more often. i think that i could spend more time encouraging people and helping them grow. i think that it could be spent consoling those who are hurting, or giving Godly advice to those who need it, because believe me, there are plenty of people out there who need it.

most importantly, i can use that time to share my faith. to tell people about the God who's loved them in those times they needed to be loved. i certainly don't do it enough, and there are too many people out there who need to hear it for me to be taking days off.


My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry - James 1:19